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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27799183">The Angel I Loved</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdy_Girl71/pseuds/Nerdy_Girl71'>Nerdy_Girl71</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SPN family - Fandom, Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Bi Dean Winchester, Destiel - Freeform, F/M, M/M</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:21:16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27799183</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nerdy_Girl71/pseuds/Nerdy_Girl71</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>don’t like the ending to supernatural? Well then you’ve come to the right place, I’m here writing a re write fix it fic, yes it will still break your heart but yes it will also give us the happy ending we deserved, so sit back and enjoy a dean cantered inner monologue, the fic starts from episode 18 of season 15</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sam x Elieen, deanxcas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Things Unsaid</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As I sat there in the back of the interrogation room, sitting alone on the cold hard concreate floor, with his back pressed against the brick wall, feeling my phone buzz on the inside pocket of my jacket I pulled it out to see who was calling, it was Sam, I could figure why but I just could not talk to him now. instead of answering I just let it go to voicemail which was not too out of the ordinary for me.</p><p>When Cas said those faithful words I knew two things. one that it was a goodbye and two, that is was far from a plutonic kind of love, a horrid and beautiful ending to his story, but I just hope it is not a forever ending, I pray one day ill find my angel again.</p><p>Feelings and thoughts swirled around my head almost like I was being suffocated, my whole world crumbling around me. my angel being ripped away, without hearing me say it...</p><p>I loved him back of course I did...more then I could ever put into words, never really been too good with as Sam would put it 'articulating my words' I mean how could I not? how could anyone not love that silly and serious face. He was so pure, so angelic... and just so Cas. always there when you needed him no matter what, Castiel would follow you to the end of the world, his loyalty like non other being in this whole damn world.</p><p>I know Cas would not agree. maybe he would even give me one of those concerned Cas looks but I- no wait everyone knows I of all people did not deserve his sacrifice.</p><p>if only I said it back in that right perfect damn moment! but I just could not speak. suddenly I lost the ability to. I've been speaking since I was two! but the one damn time! the most important time I needed to I just couldn't get those damn words out. I'm not sure how long I sat there in a pool of my own self loathing and sadness. I stayed in the same spot my angel pushed me into to protect me one more time.</p><p>tears made their way down my face as I thought of our times together the chances we had, no scratch that the chances I  had to admit how I felt. to admit I did not love him as a brother. I loved him a whole different way.</p><p>my tears dripped down onto the grey concreate floor. I rested my head on my knees, my hands resting in my gelled hair. i was curled into a ball. tears now streaming down my cheeks with the quite buzzing of Sammy's call echoing around the room. I was all alone with nothing but my silent thoughts of pity and hatred going around and around in my head like some really messed up carousel.</p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>after an hour or maybe two. not like I was keeping track or anything. i finally stood up feeling Just a little shaky I leaned against the wall not knowing if it was the sitting on a cold hard concreate floor for one or two hours or was it the loss of my true love. but it could be the result of being thrown- well no pushed against a brick wall. maybe its a combo of all three although the first would imply I am unfit and old which are wrong since I'm not letting Sam get a chance to say I told you so and second I am not old I am still in my prime.</p><p>slowly i walked into my room rummaging threw an old box under my bed the box was filled with Cas' ties and one of his old trench coats, i had planned to mend for my angel. I put on the coat it had his scent, I  took his first matte blue tie and placed it into my back pocket. after a few more tears the box was closed and I slid it back under the bed.</p><p>I walked into the kitchen and looked for the largest bottle of scotch. I looked in the fridge seeing pie I closed the fridge and opened the freezer reaching for the family size tub of the ice cream</p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>Sam and Jack walk in threw the front door making their way down the stairs, one behind the other. jack walked to the map table in the entrance, Sam walked into the library. I heard Sam yell he sounded worried.</p><p>I assume jack was trying to look around for Cas, was good with pep talks with Jack. I on the other hand emerged from the kitchen with my large bottle of scotch with no glass and my family size tube of ice cream.</p><p>Sam looked at me asking "where is Cas?" my lip trembled at the question "he's-" I could barely finish before Sam hugged me tight in a bear hug he realized it was a sore subject in more ways them one. </p><p>I felt safe wrapped in my not so little brothers arms but in that moment my already weakened walls had crumbled. my eyes filled with tears once again. My knees felt like they would give out in any moment. "I loved him Sammy" I finally admitted it, after ten long years of this slow burn. Sam nods guiding his broken hearted brother to the couch "I know" Sam spoke gently. i sniffled in response, i didn't feel like myself. it was as if apart of my heart was gone just like that.</p><p>I opened my arms to Jack who had finally given up looking for Cas. I could see he was trying his best to hold it together but I could see his slight tremble. he joined the hug and just broke, crying into my chest as I held him, rubbing Jack's back gently as Sam rested his head on my shoulder. we all cried together. my tears where few and far between. Sam cried silently mostly, meanwhile jack sobbed uncontrollably, jacks world had crumbled as with mine.</p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>after god knows how long of sobbing and drinking, Sam had fallen asleep, with his head on my shoulder just like when we where kids, after little Sammy had a nightmare.</p><p>jack was still awake since he did not sleep much. he cautiously looked up I could tell an apology was coming but I shook my head, as jack turned away I sighed and whispered in fear of waking up Sam "Jack I am sorry. you are family. you are a Winchester. but most of all you are forgiven." jack looked back and hugged my side, a small sad smile sneaked across his face, in that moment I promised myself id protect this kid just as I did Sam. I finally saw what Sam and Cas saw in this kid he had a heart of gold not hate. I sighed and reached back pulling the tie from my pocket taken from my Cas box and handed it to Jack "something to remember him by"  a sad smile across my face.</p><p>As Jack slowly took the tie he sniffled and held it close as he slowly closed his eyes and drifted to sleep. I ran my fingers threw his hair and closed my own eyes with a silent prayer to my angel who I loved</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. One more hunt...</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Should I keep up with this fic? I mean it was going to be a rough draft but I have ideas, </p><p>(Rough draft)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It has been two months, three weeks and 4 days exactly and no I can’t remember what day of the week it currently is, it feels somewhat like a Tuesday I’m not so sure why.</p><p>but I remember how long it’s been since I had to watch the empty rip my soulmate from me. I remember it was a Thursday afternoon that could have been just another Thursday afternoon... well it was to many but for me, for Sam, for jack it was the day we all lost someone special.</p><p>I did try to put up my walls and to seem strong and at times unfazed, but what was the point? They knew, the kid and sammy saw the mess I was and still are. Maybe it’s just my default setting but this time there wasn’t no coming back... no hope. </p><p>Not even just one more time where he’ll just appear, scare me half to death. Speak with his low raspy voice, I can still hear him saying “hello dean” or even see that adorable head tilt... why didn’t I ever say it was adorable why couldn’t I just say “I love you too” </p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>Do you ever just realise how gross you are? I mean god i have barely showered, not even shaved. Even my hair is starting to get way too long for my liking, I mean it’s no where near sams length but I do wonder how the hell dose Sam cope with it especially in his state. </p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>I was always taught to act tough no matter what. And I know he’d want me to be happy, to maybe even quit the family business and go to a pretty Sandy beach. even dip my toes into the sand, just like I said. Just like I dreamed. The one thing I dared not to utter aloud was that I wanted to do that with Cas, maybe even as a one day honeymoon.</p><p>but now the idea saddens me... I just couldn’t how could I? I could never find someone else more perfect then my ocean eyed angel? </p><p>No one could even compare or come close. He is The one who gripped me tight and saw past everything, even those emotional walls, ok maybe he didn’t get pop culture but he was always so willing to try, I loved that about him.</p><p>So as my dream get away with my angel faded I threw myself into well my work and carried on looking for hunts, something I could do solo. Since Sam and jack where not really ready for hunting which was understandable. </p><p>But this...it was the only way I knew how to cope with grief, well that Accompanied with extraordinary amounts of alcohol plus some good old reliable junk food. </p><p>But even that didn’t feel right, not without my angel with a shot gun. I Considered even... well maybe quitting the life and choosing something a little more acceptable by societies standards at least. </p><p>hm... what could I even do? I’ve done things here and there but nothing I could commit too. But I do know the local repairs shop is hiring. they deal with mostly vintage beauty’s so I’d fit right in on that side of things. Although I don’t want my baby getting jealous now do I. </p><p>Ok ok I’m going to pick up an application like a normal civilian what’s the worst that can happen? I get denied but that wouldn’t be too bad.</p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>I noticed Sam had tried his best to not mention cas in fear of upsetting me or worse... the kid, who really wasn’t taking it well. But that could be said for me too.</p><p>Sam on the other hand wasn’t feeling the best either. After we defeated Chuck we knew life wouldn’t be the same but what team free will did not account for was our loved ones staying gone. For good.</p><p>Most did return when they vanished one by one which was good in some ways. Some of them where our apocalypse world friends. Even Jody and her girls, even Garth and his wife, and yes baby Sam and baby Ca- ya know are all ok. </p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>Although Claire was distraught when she found out about cas’ one way ticket to super mega hell. Jody kept us informed, and apparently she didn’t wanna leave her room for a week, but she had the Suport of Kia and Jody but I’m sure for Claire it must have been like loosing her father twice. No one should have to go threw that.</p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>But unfortunately cas wasn’t the only one we lost. Since not all returned. </p><p>One of them was in fact Eileen. Which really did take its toll on Sam. </p><p>he dropped his work out and dieting routine which was extreme, Even for him... </p><p>I loved Eileen for my lil brother too she was who he needed someone badass but also kind, she brought out a side of him that’s rare to see.</p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>Jack spent most his time missing cas, even trying to pray to the fallen angel.</p><p>I sometimes found him blaming himself. <br/>poor kid.</p><p>I opened the door to the dean cave once and just like miracle he made himself comfy on the couch. </p><p>I didn’t mind. if I’m being honest it felt nice having jack to hug and someone to nurture he’d taken to wearing cas’ tie even if he was wearing a t shirt and jeans which was very endearing even if I felt a sting in my heart seeing it. </p><p>If it helped the kid then it’s fine by me.</p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>in this life all good things must eventually come to an end including my emotional support kid falling asleep on the dean cave couch.</p><p>I’ll never forget what he said “as god I have to fix the things my grandfather got wrong, but don’t worry you will see me again” I remember wondering how a three year old got so wise. But after jack done his unique hand wave thing he just vanished- well more faded. </p><p>I just hoped he’d be ok in the end and that I’d get to see my kid once again...<br/>Well at least I still had miracle who had in fact stolen Sams spot in baby and of course one brother and one stunning baby </p><p>&lt;&gt;</p><p>But I did eventually get around to filling out that application for the local Repair shop.<br/>I decided I wasn’t going to tell Sam until after or if I heard back from the shop.<br/>There’s No point in getting his hopes up for retirement for nothin. Right?</p><p>But Just as I finished Sam bursts into my room saying rowena the now queen of hell, was needing our help, with some hounds that got loose thanks to jack knows who. (Hm I like the sound of that) I guess she is A Friend and hunting is the perfect distraction... besides one more hunt can’t hurt... can it?</p>
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